Spirituality Simplified: Are You Sure That’s Really Love — Or Could It Be "Attachment" Or "Need?"
Posted on February 11, 2009
Filed Under Spirituality Simplified
“Our culture’s fascination with romantic love is really quite pervasive. If you have any doubt about this, just listen to many of the most popular songs during the past 100 years or more, and you’ll hear all kinds of lyrics about how badly someone needs someone else. For example, ‘Baby I need your lovin,’ or ‘If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me,’ etc. We are literally bombarded with this type of programming in music, and in films, books and TV shows as well. As such, it’s not surprising that so many people develop the belief that they NEED a romantic partner in their life.
The reality is that whenever you approach a love relationship from a position of need, you’re putting yourself into a very uneasy position. Think about it, if you come to believe that you truly need another person to be fulfilled, you can never rest easy because there’s always the possibility they may have a change of heart and leave, or worse yet, die. That’s why the age-old advice that we should first be able to live happily on our own is so very practical.”
Jeff Maziarek, in “Spirituality Simplified”
*Be sure to visit Jeff Maziarek at: www.PonderCentral.com and www.SpiritSimple.com for more inspiration and enlightenment — and to find out more about his book, “Spirituality Simplified.”
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One Response to “Spirituality Simplified: Are You Sure That’s Really Love — Or Could It Be "Attachment" Or "Need?"”
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The Belief Formula
Hi,
I think your observation about the difference between love and need is so important. It has been
obscured for too long.
Not only do we mistake love for need in romantic relationships, but in most of our relationships.
When we pressure our adult children to pursue one career or lifestyle over the one that they prefer, it is need talking not love. Either the need to impress others with our children’s success, the need to feel as if we have excelled as parents or the need to avoid the pain we will experience if our children find themselves in unpleasant circumstances from their own decisions.
We are acting on need whenever use disapproval, rejection or ultimatums to influence another’s decision if we are not directly involved but may experience some fallout. For example, our spouse feel they must stand up for a matter of conscious at work, which may result in a demotion or worse.
Many of the actions that we claim to make because we love someone and want to prevent them from future pain, are motivated more to prevent our pain.
When we act out of love, we will state our observations and experience from our perspective to our loved one. It is need rather than love, when we withhold our emotional support, blame their decision as the cause of our emotional pain, or gleefully announce, “I told you so,” if their plans do not work out.
We may offer our observations about their potential decision based on our own perspective and experience. Emotionally charged blackmail detailing the disappointment, embarrassment, pain, etc that the decision trigger in us would be excluded from these observations if it were indeed motivated by love.
Love allows others to live their life as they choose to live it. Love, while it does not enable, it is always emotionally supportive.
Love also means not allowing ourselves to be used as a doormat. That behavior is always based on our own fears, not based on love for the other person, or ourselves.
Thank you for clearing up the confusion.
Lauren Kennedy