How Can I Save My Marriage? You Can Start By Asking Yourself A Few Questions

Posted on December 10, 2009 
Filed Under Healthy Relationships, It's all about Happiness

A majority of people who get married either get divorced or stay in unhappy marriages. A happy marriage is not a myth; but it might as well be for most people. When the honeymoon’s over, the happy marriage isn’t far behind. What’s most surprising about this is how surprised most people are when they realize they’re not happy – or that their marriage is a wreck. The time to save your marriage is before you get married; but, if you’re reading this article, that time has presumably come and gone. So what can you do to save your marriage? Try asking yourself these questions:

1. Do I really want to save my marriage?

2. Did I want this marriage in the first place?

3. Did my partner want this marriage?

4. Does my partner want to save this marriage? (Are they willing to work on it?)

5. Exactly what kind of marriage/relationship do I really want?

6. Exactly what do I want out of life? (What does my partner want out of life and marriage?)

7. Exactly what problems am I dealing with in this relationship?

8. Have I really done all I can do to correct these issues?

9. What am I willing to do to stay married?

10. What am I willing to do to be happy?

For starters, most people don’t really want to save their marriage; they simply don’t want to deal with the hassles and stigma of problems and divorce. By the time people start reading, “How can I save my marriage?” articles, their marriage is a train wreck – and probably beyond repair. Most people get married for the wrong reasons (Forced or arranged marriages, because they had sex…, to improve their financial status, etc…) and think they can mold and shape the marriage to suit their needs as they go along. Unfortunately, most people are ill-informed and misguided in their notions about marriage.

Most people make the mistake of confusing excitement and affection for love. When the novelty of a person or relationship has worn thin, and the excitement of something new has left you, you will see whether or not you ever had true love. Love comes with peace, not turmoil. Passion and excitement can certainly be a part of a loving relationship, but they cannot replace love in a relationship – nor will they bring you true happiness. Passion and excitement bring elation and delight; but these things do not have the lasting qualities of true love.

You also need to find out where your partner stands on the issues you are dealing with. There is a very good chance that one or both of you didn’t really want to get married. If you didn’t want to get married, or don’t want to be married, then you lack the incentive to do the necessary work to repair your relationship. And it definitely takes two to tango. One person cannot fix a relationship or save a marriage. You also need to be honest about what you want out of life – and what kind of marriage you want. If you don’t share a common vision with your partner, you won’t get there.

It is also important to remember that every experience is a learning and growth opportunity. Ask yourself exactly what you are looking for so you can see if you already have it – or so you won’t make the same mistake next time. You can find what you want; but you must first know what that is and, second, you must look until you find it. If you want a dream-come-true of a relationship, you must first have a dream in mind.

Make a list of the issues and problems you have with and in your marriage. Remember that each of you will have such a list. Evaluate the list and ask yourself if you are honestly doing all you can do to create harmony – without selling-out your own dreams, of course. Ask yourself how far you are willing to bend on certain issues. It is silly to think you won’t have to change a little. Change is a guarantee in every relationship. The only problem is everyone wants the other person to change and nobody wants to take positive control of the changes they need to make in their own lives. Decide what it will take for you to be happy and ask yourself if it is possible to find that in your current marriage.

If you can’t be happy and married, the wise choice is happiness over marriage. If you can find happiness in your marriage, learn to nurture it and make it grow, for you have indeed found a rare treasure. Anyone can make a happy marriage; but not every marriage can be happy. If you weren’t happy before you got married, for instance, your marriage won’t make you a happy person. More than likely, your underlying unhappiness will simply ruin your marriage and make your partner unhappy. If you really want to save your marriage, be honest with yourself, be honest with your partner and seek happiness.

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